This week on our favorite television program, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did some things, hunty. They pointed out the giant stack of unopened mail in the corner of their kitchen and said, “I only open checks,” like anyone sends checks in the mail anymore. Nothing good comes in the mail; get The Lady to throw it out! They go to their managers to find out how one must start taking accountability for the scandals that have plagued them for years. They had dinner alone with one of their twin sons, who are definitely the Pinky and the Brain (complimentary) of the Bravo Universe.
But most of all, they had a THC dinner at Kyle’s house, and this episode, much like the guest list, was all killer and no filler. Most of this super-sized episode is red carpet arrivals to Kyle’s house. First up, the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, who we haven’t seen in yonks but is always a delight, and Justin, Kyle’s former assistant who is known as the “ladysitter” and is the only man invited to the party. Next to walk in the door are Sutton and Cynthia Bailey, fresh off the peach train from Atlanta to grace us with her presence. Next in is Annemarie, the new full-time Housewife just making her first appearance in episode six, and she starts with the most dreaded words in the English language: “I’m a hugger.”
Crystal arrives with her friend Nancy and I said it was all killer and no filler, but I forgot about Nancy. Then Kyle tells Faye and Justin that both Camille Donatacci Grammer Meyer and Denise Richards will be in attendance. The three of them then do their best Allison DuBois impersonation, and I love when Housewives gets self-referential. When the two arrive in the same Escalade, they get out looking like Romi and Michelle about to attend their high school reunion. Denise is, and I believe this is the scientific term here, Schwasted. This is a M-er F-er guest list if there ever was one. Blasts from the past, present, future, and Lake Bailey.
Before we can get to the party, though, we have to set the scene for Kyle and Sutton’s giant blowout, which includes the scene between Kyle and Morgan Wade, the country singer she says is her best friend and should not be confused with Morgan Wallen, who makes PK look like a bowl full of pink Starburst. They go to a tattoo parlor so that Morgan, Kyle’s rumored lover, can hold Kyle’s hand when she gets a little planet with some stars next to it permanently inked near one hip. This positioning is known as a Frontal Tramp Stamp. Kyle then answers the mystery of why Morgan got Kyle’s first initial tattooed on her arm. It’s because she wanted Kyle to tattoo her, and the letter was the only thing she could draw. This seems slightly less incriminating now that we know the origin story.
While the K might be exonerated, there is nothing else about this scene that lets the pair off the hook. Kyle is in L-O-V-E. In the 13 years she’s been on this program, I have never seen her light up, get giddy, relax, or have fun like she does with Morgan. Yes, it really looks like these two, if not knocking Kemo Sabe boots, are clearly infatuated with each other. What about when Kyle says she’s so spicy she should have gotten a pepper tattooed, and Morgan says, “No one likes to laugh at your jokes like you do”? I’m sorry, but that is some early stages couple bullshit right there, and Kyle is telling on herself, even letting Morgan be in front of the cameras.
But the fight is not about Kyle and Morgan, at least on the surface. It’s about Kyle and Sutton, so how did we get there? Kyle gets a visit from Crystal and Dorit, who tells Kyle what a wonderful job her business manager is doing even though none of us know what sort of businesses she owns with her husband, PK, a Spotify Wrapped playlist of just fart noises. At this meeting, we get Kyle giving a second rendition of her hit one-lady show Sutton as Erika at the Elevator Doors. Then Kyle keeps saying something is off with Sutton. Something is off with Sutton. Finally, Dorit chimes in with, “Well, we know Sutton is a drinker.”
Across town, Garcelle and Sutton are having dinner, and Sutton orders asparagus wrapped in bacon. “She’s a vegetarian who eats bacon!” Diana Jenkins pops out of a bush to shout at us. Sutton is talking about her confrontation with Kyle and says that she thinks that the incident with Erika at the elevator doors in Vegas was planned. Garcelle agrees. Sutton then says she was upset that Kyle defended Erika. Of course she did. Sutton was shouting, “Defend your friend,” at her ad nauseam.
Then Sutton starts on what is going on in Kyle’s marriage, the one thing she won’t mention to Kyle. She says to Garcelle that she noticed Kyle isn’t wearing her wedding ring and is instead wearing a diamond and sapphire band. Garcelle says, in confessional, “I never pay attention to that. The only time I notice jewelry is after the robbery when Dorit still had hers [long sip off her straw for emphasis].” Damn, Dorit is out here catching strays! Sutton then says everyone is reading all of these rumors about Kyle and Mo’s marriage, but no one will address them. We get a bunch of articles on the screen, including some Reddit posts. Wait, are we citing Reddit as reliable news now? What is next? Getting Deux Moi to testify before Congress?
At Kyle’s THC dinner party, all the guests are gathered, and they are giving Chris, the hot and limber weed chef, their dosages for dinner. Everyone opts for none or five milligrams. I am a gentleman of some height, and I smoke a fair amount of weed, but I’m taking 20 milligrams or nothing. How will they feel anything? Oh, they’ve all been Housewives for so long none of them feel a thing, especially in the forehead region. The best thing happening around the table, though, is that Faye sees she’s seated across from Camille and moves her place card to the other end of the table. “I am not talking to that woman,” she says, knowing she’s way too smart to let the producers set her up for exactly $0.
As everyone is taking their seats, Sutton decides it’s a good time to pull Kyle aside for a chat in the other room. It seems like Kyle is not only annoyed to be talking to Sutton, an anxiety disorder in a couture dress, but annoyed at the timing as well since she’s trying to host a pot party where she doesn’t even want to eat any of the pot. Sutton tells Kyle that the reason she seemed “off” when Kyle came to her house was she just found out that her ex is moving to London, wants to take their son with him, and he expects Sutton to also move. (I took a poll, and London decided we don’t want her.) It turns out the ex is now going alone, and Sutton and the son are staying in L.A.
Kyle responds, “You want sympathy for a move that isn’t going to happen, and she’s getting more money because you’ll have the kid all the time.” This seems like a very ungenerous read of the situation. What I thought Sutton was saying was that she just heard about it when Kyle arrived, didn’t know what would happen with her son, and was worried about him being taken away. I could see how that would have distracted her the night Kyle was over, but, um, “distracted” is not the word I would have used to describe her energy that night.
As Kyle rudely makes fun of Sutton’s reveal, Sutton then gets upset that Kyle isn’t receiving it the way Sutton intended. Kyle then says that it’s an excuse because Sutton makes excuses when she “behaves this way,” like in Lake Tahoe when she blamed moving from one house in Bel Air to another house in Bel Air as why she was so crazy. Alright, this is Kim Richards’s sister here having a conversation she’s had a million times before. The way Kyle sees it is Sutton is a messy drunk and then makes excuses for her behavior, which is something Kyle has been dealing with since she was clubbing with Bethenny Frankel. She knows a pattern of behavior, but after the incident in the back of the limo when she outed Kim as an alcoholic, Kyle isn’t going to be caught on camera doing it again.
Crystal comes into the room to get them back to the table so everyone can eat. Crystal says that Sutton and Kyle are doing the same thing to each other, and she is absolutely right. (Thank you, Crystal, for contributing something!) Kyle and Sutton are playing reputational chicken. Kyle wants to say that Sutton is a drunk but won’t come out and say it. Sutton thinks that Kyle is a lesbian whose husband is cheating on her, but she won’t say it either. This is peak RHOBH; people want to talk trash but do not want to look bad. This is also RHOBH without Lisa Rinna. You know she would have exposed all of this in 24 seconds, but instead it’s festered and festered, and now the situation looks just like PK’s undercarriage.
As they sit down, Crystal, contributing for the second time this episode (don’t hurt yourself, Crystal), says that Sutton and Kyle need to clear the air. Kyle says that she doesn’t want her friend making veiled threats at her. Yes, I agree. Veiled threats are annoying not just from a social context but from a reality television show enjoyment context as well. But I could say the same thing to Kyle. She’s making just as many veiled threats. I think it’s chicken shit of both of them, if you’re going to have the “balls,” as Kyle keeps saying, to bring this stuff up, then bring it up. Do you think Kenya Moore would be soft-shoeing around a subject like this? No! She’d bring the Cookie Lady in to testify and follow it up with a marching band.
Sutton says she thinks something is “off” with Kyle, and she brings up her exercise schedule and not eating thing. “I can’t believe you have the nerve to say that to me when you don’t eat,” Kyle fires back. Oh, momma. Hide under the table because this is getting real! Kyle is so threatened about having to speak honestly about her marriage and her relationship with Morgan that she has opened up Margaret Josephs’s arsenal and is firing away.
Annemarie tells them they’re not saying anything right now because she is new here and does not understand a proxy war. Sutton then asks Kyle if there is anything she would like to share about her personal life. “Your marriage,” Garcelle clarifies. Just like Dorit did for Kyle earlier, Garcelle is doing Sutton’s dirty work.
Kyle explains that, yes, she and her husband have been having a hard time, but her wedding ring is in the bank, and she bought herself the new diamond band with the check from The Real Housewives of the North Pole that was waiting in her pile of unopened mail. Garcelle asks if it’s a “makeup band,” a ring that a husband buys for a wife after he cheated. (We then learn that Camille used to get cars from Kelsey, which is the best fun fact I learned today.)
That’s when Faye, at the end of the table, pipes up and starts defending her friend Kyle, saying it’s not right to bring it up in her house and talk about it behind her back. I love how loyal Faye is, but someone at that table just needs to say, “Look, Kyle. We read the press. Is there any truth here?” Kyle thinks she’s been open about her troubles, but I don’t think she’s open about the extent of them or the reason behind them. A lot of the other women probably think that Kyle is getting a pass when they have all had to deal with their own troubles on screen, and she’s skating on by.
As this conversation is happening, Kyle finally comes out with it. “So what you’re saying is that my husband cheated on me?” she asks Sutton. Yes, that is what she is saying, and we want a confirmation or a denial. But we also want Kyle to call Sutton a drunk. Be honest. Be real. Give us something that will flay the flesh from your bones, and then let all of the fans piece you back together again like a reverse game of Operation. I guess what we all really want, in the words of an iconically-coiffed ghost that we could really use right now, is for someone to own it.