Just like her pioneer ancestors, Heather Gay is blazing a new trail. And that trail is making all of her friends attend a pioneer-themed luncheon. She explains this big plan on FaceTime to her daughter, telling her that she wants to do something that celebrates the kitschy, fun parts of the culture while also forcing Lisa Barlow to finally partake in the traditional parts of Mormonism that she’s managed to avoid. Maybe if Fendi started making temple garments …
Meanwhile, Monica is having a mother-daughter moment of her own, sharing old photo albums with her daughter, including pictures of her birth father. She doesn’t want her daughter to be left without any part of him the way Monica was when Linda destroyed any trace of her father.
And then we’re off to Angie and Shawn’s awkward date, where they feel like they’re not on the same page anymore. Angie says she doesn’t even know what kind of music he likes anymore, and the only reason this is noteworthy is because it leads us to the revelation that Angie still regularly listens to “The Humpty Dance.”
Later, Angie meets up with Whitney to trade notes on their shared marital issues. The “not finding time to connect with my husband” story line is a classic on Housewives. It’s abstract and vague enough that they can lean on it during filming when they need a story line and then when it’s time for the reunion, they can just say it’s all better. That’s not to say any of it’s fabricated, but as far as story lines go, this one gives them a lot of control when it comes to how much they do or don’t want to share.
For example, Whitney is really laying her cards on the table, even filling us in on a conversation she and Justin had on their last anniversary trip in which they romantically asked one another if they still want to be married. And on top of that, she outright says, “I don’t think it’s natural to be married and monogamous.” Okay, Juan Dixon! That’s a flashback waiting to happen. If things ever do go south between Whitney and Justin, she’s giving the editors plenty of clips to pull for a montage.
While Whitney is bearing all, Angie stays vague, and when asked how much sex they’re having, she says they knock boots barely once a week. That feels generous, especially considering that they share a bed with their daughter. But I certainly don’t begrudge Angie for lying about that. She’s barely comfortable in front of the cameras as it is, and she knows that if she gave a real answer, especially after the gay accusations, everybody would have a field day. Just look at how the RHONY cast carried on about Jessel and Pavit, and he’s not even a hairdresser.
One of my favorite things about Heather is that she’s a people-pleaser to her core. When she wants somebody to like her, she’ll let them get away with murder (or a nationwide telemarketing fraud scheme, or calling her inbred), and she pulls out all the stops to stay in their good graces. That’s where we’re at with her and Lisa, whom she’s catering to, literally, laying out a gorgeous meal from Wendy’s for their lunch. But before Lisa can enjoy it, she crashes into a boulder in Heather’s driveway, scraping up the side of her car. “I want to have that removed,” Heather tells her, upset that the rock sabotaged all her hard work creating Lisa’s dream lunch. “You need to,” Lisa says, but she must have learned from the $60,000 ring drama because, shockingly, that’s the last we hear of it.
Instead, the pair chat about Jack’s mission, which seemed impossible just a few episodes ago, but give Lisa a Wendy’s 4 for 4 and she’d spill state secrets. The conversation then turns to a night out that Heather had with Monica, where she found out that Monica’s grandmother is from Bermuda, which gave her (production) an idea for the cast trip. But the one condition Heather gave to Monica was that she has to make up with Lisa. Monica wants to go to Bermuda, so she agrees. For Lisa’s part, she says she has no issue with her being there and says, “She’s not my problem.”
But if you thought we were done talking about Whitney’s marriage after her lunch with Angie, you’d be wrong. And if you thought we were done talking about Meredith and Seth’s podcast after last week, you would also be wrong. Because Whitney and Justin are off to the Marks household to record an episode of this podcast, which I’ve been repeatedly assured is a real thing. The foursome is so chummy together that when Whitney cracks a joke about wanting to see Meredith’s bathtub, it feels like that fight was from another lifetime.
On the podcast itself, Whitney and Justin reveal that they once had sex in their office with the head of HR in the room, which feels distinctly George Costanza–esque. Then, on a more wholesome note, they talk about how Whitney was there for Justin when his father died. Two very different topics of conversation, but after Whitney laments the relationship’s weak points to Angie, it’s nice to hear some of the highlights.
Now, you might recall that following Lisa’s drag meltdown in Palm Springs, a firm No Costumes decree was put into place. But nonetheless, Heather is hoping there’ll be an exception to that rule for her pioneer luncheon, for which she’s providing all of the women traditional bonnets and aprons. Naturally, when Lisa and Meredith arrive and see the bonnets laid out, they quickly (and in unison) remind Heather of their rule, but against all odds, they give them a shot. Maybe just because they wanted to claim the ones that best matched their outfits before everybody else arrived.
Once everybody dons their Handmaid’s Tale cosplay, Heather explains that she wants to do something that focuses on the fun aspects of their heritage. Now, the definition of fun here is very interesting. Because, apparently, fun means churning butter in a jar and making creepy little dolls out of garbage. They have to shake a half-filled jar of heavy cream like a Shake Weight for six minutes, which proves to be too long for most of them … but not Meredith. Meredith is intent on persevering and continues shaking her jar throughout the other activities. “Once you start something, you have to finish it,” she says. “I don’t see any butter on the table.”
While it doesn’t seem like any butter does end up being made, the table is luckily filled with other Mormon favorites, and it’s over this meal that Heather decides it’s time for a game. If you ever find yourself in a situation where a Real Housewife suggests playing a game, run. Run away as fast as you can because somebody is about to say the meanest thing you could ever fathom. Heather’s game, sticking to her pioneer theme, is called “Who’s On Your Wagon?” Sounds fun, right? No, the premise is simply asking each woman who of the group they’d throw off their wagon and leave for dead. Lisa’s up first, and to nobody’s surprise, she says, “Well, I’m a big supporter of women, so I would keep everyone but the one that’s the nastiest to women, so Monica, you would have to go. Just ’cause you’re mouthy and mean to women.”
And we’re off to the races. Monica fires back by saying what’s actually nasty is Lisa’s comments about her mother. “You called your mom Ted Bundy,” Lisa responds. “He used to kill people, have sex with them, decapitate them, and eat them.” This is where Whitney chimes in via confessional to clarify that Lisa is probably thinking of Jeffrey Dahmer. Either way, point taken, and here is a fun fact: Ted Bundy was Mormon, so we’re on theme.
Everybody starts to jump in, and eventually Angie shatters a milk jar on the floor to get everyone’s attention (or remind them that she’s there), which sadly barely works. Eventually, Heather pulls an emotional Monica aside and wonders how they’re supposed to announce their cast trip after this. Monica says she doesn’t want to go anymore, and Heather earnestly asks, “Why? What did she say that hurt you?”
Seeing that Monica is emotional, Lisa comes up and says, “Hey listen, if you need for me to acknowledge that your mom’s not nice to you, I’m sorry, and by me saying I saw her being nice, does not mean I negate any of your feelings,” breaking new ground when it comes to sentence structure. The bottom line is Lisa really wants to go to Bermuda. In turn, Monica apologizes for calling Lisa ugly, and as this all plays out, Heather is behind them, furiously shaking her jar of milk.
So finally, they’re able to announce their trip to a “foreign, passport-required location.” While Jen’s away, the non-criminal women can play! But as they give out clues about where they’re going, Monica breaks down yet again and says she doesn’t want to go on the trip. At this point, Heather snaps, saying, “You were attacking her full force, and now you’re crying and acting like we all came for you.” She’s furious, and we can practically pinpoint the exact moment she turns on Monica. It’s when she almost costs them all their long-awaited trip abroad.
They’ve suffered so long for Jen Shah’s crimes, having to take a cast trip to San Diego of all places to accommodate the conditions of her bail. And now Monica does this? Speaking of Jen, Monica brings her up in her confessional, saying, “I really always wondered why Jen never had anything nice to say about Heather and Lisa, and now I know exactly why.” When in doubt, Monica loves to bring up Jen to support whatever point she’s trying to make. It’s like a trusty Swiss Army knife in her back pocket: a tool adaptable for any scenario. Heather thinks that Monica is suddenly acting like a different person and wants to know what happened to the fun Monica she was planning the trip with. “She’s dead … like Taylor Swift said.”
